Lonely

Took a week off work for the first time in a while. Actual leave, not sick leave or something. It got me thinking and “reviewing” I suppose.

I’ve always kinda been alone. I say kinda because I’m not truly alone, I have family and I’ve always had ‘friends’ in a way. People with common interests that I got along with and spoke to outside of those interests. Okay when I say interests I just mean video games, because what else is there in my life.

The problem, of course, with this is that people grow older and move on. Interests change, friends change, people get partners etc. Except for me.

Knocking on the door of 40 and I’m still pretty much the same as I was when I was 18. I don’t have any childhood friends, I didn’t go to university so I don’t have those kind of friends, all my highschool friends are in another country, married with children and have 99.999999% forgotten I even existed.

All my romantic relationships have been ’long distance’, and in a sense, not very real. I’ve never gone on dates with someone to get to know them, I have no idea how I’m even supposed to act to be appealing, attractive, or even civil. There have been a couple relationships that have ended up with real life encounters, but it’s different when you already know the person.

Anyway, week off, lots of time to think and reflect. Based on my life, I’ve always been lonely. It’s caused me to be very clingy to friends / partners. Recently I had some “drama” I guess you could say with a friend group, where it really highlighted to me that I am like that. Basically friend A was upset that friend B wasn’t paying a lot of attention to him. They’re way closer friends than me and friend B, but I still acted very clingy to friend B. Friend B is an idiot but it’s better if I don’t approach him the same way anymore so A and B can have a healthier friendship.

Made me think that without relying on friend B I’m pretty much just going to be alone. I’m way too old to make new friends.. where would I even start? Join “find a friend” groups for “mature adults”? Impose on work ‘friends’ more than I do already? Go to bars and start talking to people?? I have no idea.

All I’m filled with is regrets, and a feeling of helplessness. If I go back and think about the friends I had in various places before I had to move when I was younger, in the age before and even after the internet the friendships quickly fizzled. Probably a lack of effort from both sides but most likely from my side. I remember when I finished highschool and had to move back to my current country, my best friend at the time (was I even his best friend, or just the transfer kid that joined their group? idk) called me on my birthday with the girl I had a crush on.. they apparently started going out because they both bonded over me being gone. I still have him on facebook (he has a different partner now and 4(?) kids), but I haven’t said anything to him in probably 15, 16 years?

If I get isekaid, or reincarnated, then I would do everything differently.. my life is really 40 years of just wasted effort. At least I’m paying my parents back for all their efforts by supporting them now that they’re older, so I don’t have to feel too bad about that.

It also made me think, what’s the point to keep going? Consume media, games, stories, work 40 hours a week at a job that’s not fulfilling or challenging, renting a house off someone for the rest of my life?

I guess the obvious “healthy” answer is to work hard and make a change. Put myself out there, get out of my comfort zone, find ‘friends’. But do I have the strength to? Is there any point.

Should I just lay down and fucking die?