Lately I’ve been feeling.. I dunno, stuck? I have a lot of things in my life I need to ‘fix’, but I don’t have any motivation to fix them. From simple things like vacuum more frequently to more major things like get a home loan sorted and look for a house to buy, planning for future retirement etc.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to start doing something.. part of it is it feels like it’s too late. I’m already ’too old’ to do xyz. Another part is probably because I have no dependents, and it doesn’t matter to anyone if I don’t do abc by this time and date. So I can fall into a cozy lie down and just push stuff off until later. Until it’s too late.

So recently I’m going through a process at work for a restructure. It’s my first time being directly affected by this kind of thing and boy is it not great. Let’s start from the beginning..

Flashback to Thursday a couple weeks ago. I’m wrapping up for the day of WFH, around 30 minutes before I finish for the day. I get a call from my manager, asking me if I’d be ok to attend a meeting tomorrow that’s later than usual, after I’ve finished for the day normally. Said I can start later if so. Sure I said, no worries. I’ll wait for the invite. 45 min or so pass until I get the invite. Meeting members: me, my boss, the GM, HR, and one other member of my team. The content? “We’re going to change the way your team works going forward” “we understand change is stressful” “you can bring a support person” “EAP is available to you”.

I’m so sick of people. Or rather how people treat me - maybe I’m the problem. The person I sit next to at work, I feel like we get along pretty okay, like I wouldn’t want to be friends with the guy but for work it’s fine. We chat and stuff, but I’ve noticed fairly frequently he’ll just ignore me, especially when it’s work related. Like I know I said “hey soandso” loud enough for him to hear, he just pretends to not hear and ignores me when I’m looking at him. Like is it that hard to just say “sorry hang on a minute I’m in the middle of something”? It’s just fucking rude.

Is wanting recognition for the work or task you do.. bad? Recently I’ve been sort of mentoring a younger guy at work, teaching him a bunch about linux server administration etc. and helping him out. He had to do a server upgrade to resolve an issue with an applications dependency not being updated on the OS the server was on, so I walked him through that, showed him the steps etc. even gave him a test server to practice on for when he did it. Part of the server he was updating had an application on it that another staff memember looked after. Now today that other staff member got recognised for doing great by the younger staff member because he did his job and tested the application after the server upgrade.

Been ignored a lot lately. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m annoying, if people just don’t care what I say, or if people have no interested in the topics and just pretend they didn’t hear it.

Happens with work, social, even random people - although I’m not so butthurt about that one. In a relatively public forum, a private forum with ‘friends’ shall we say, I see what others say and I respond to them. I’ll sometimes share something as well related to the topic - but I’m generally just left ignored. Am I speaking out of line? Am I the wrong person - did they want attention from someone else?

Been trying thinking about moving to a new place. But at the same time I also need to change jobs / companies. These 2 massive changes have been conflicting (I should find a new job first so I can move somewhere closeby vs I want to move somewhere better). I really need to do one or both.

Also with this is the thought of buying a property. Not completely out of reach but slightly.. If I do, I can kiss goodbye 4-6 hours a day travelling to and from work based on far out of town I’d have to buy. I also don’t have a car or license so I’d be a the mercy of public transport. There are some “affordable” apartments but they’re apartments.. the value won’t go up much and there’s a bunch of issues and extra costs like body corp, etc.

Been doing a bit of reflecting on my interpersonal relationships, and I’ve really come to the conclusion that I’m not in a great spot with my current friendships. I guess I’m a high maintenance kind of person because when I’m friends with people, I expect them to respond to me (not immediately, or even quickly, just a response) and when it doesn’t happen I get frustrated and annoyed. Plagued by thoughts like did I say something wrong, did they not see it, are they not interested, did they just ignore it, etc. And currently what, from my side, I would’ve considered my closest friendships this doesn’t happen.

The cliche “What’s the point of existing” question. You know if I think about it, it’d be nice if I could just vanish from existence.

Nobody would benefit from me being gone, but nobody would be impacted in a deterimental way either.

Let’s take a look..

1. Work: I’d be replaced pretty quickly with a Junior person most likely. I have no institutional knowledge that would be impossible to replace or even any knowledge that is unique. I get left out of product meetings and new stuff like that, just end up doing grunt work. Not involved in any major projects or anything like that either.

Took a week off work for the first time in a while. Actual leave, not sick leave or something. It got me thinking and “reviewing” I suppose.

I’ve always kinda been alone. I say kinda because I’m not truly alone, I have family and I’ve always had ‘friends’ in a way. People with common interests that I got along with and spoke to outside of those interests. Okay when I say interests I just mean video games, because what else is there in my life.

I like music. I’m not sure what kind of music I’d consider my favourite but I like a lot of different music. Some music has a very powerful effect on me that I can’t explain.

Take for example music from movie trailers. Stuff like Christopher Nolan’s movies does this a lot. Uplifting “epic” music that rises and has those like impactful moments. This kind of stuff would bring a tear to my eye involuntarily while in the movie theathre which as a younger person was very embarrassing and I’d try to hide it.