Friendship

Been doing a bit of reflecting on my interpersonal relationships, and I’ve really come to the conclusion that I’m not in a great spot with my current friendships. I guess I’m a high maintenance kind of person because when I’m friends with people, I expect them to respond to me (not immediately, or even quickly, just a response) and when it doesn’t happen I get frustrated and annoyed. Plagued by thoughts like did I say something wrong, did they not see it, are they not interested, did they just ignore it, etc. And currently what, from my side, I would’ve considered my closest friendships this doesn’t happen.

I’ve also noticed that in a lot of the cases I’m the one reaching out, starting conversations, sharing stuff about my life, stuff that’s happened, stuff I found cool, stuff I thought they might be like or be interested in, etc. I get friendships are meant to be give and take, but this was a case of like 99:1.

In the end I came to the conclusion that it’s probably best for this friendship to die. Sure I’ll be sad about it, but wounds heal all time as they say. I don’t really have a way to meet new people so that part is going to be rough since this is like the only ‘friendship’ I have. I gave my ‘friend’ a headsup saying that since we’ve been friends for so long he deserve to know.

Predictably I shouldn’t have said anything and just stopped engaging as much. I had, for the last couple of months, stopped reaching out as much. Stopped sharing things that they might enjoy, cool stuff I found, stuff like that. As expected there was no questions from that side, no reaching out to me, just quiet acceptance. But after I mentioned my intention of just letting the friendship end because it’s come to its natural conclusion, the friend made excuses and said they wouldn’t let it end. I thought what the heck, why not give it a last try.

But nothing’s changed in the end. I was still the one trying to reach out, I was the one sharing things about my life, sharing parts of me and getting nothing back.

When you’re almost entirely alone, it’s difficult to let go - which is why I gave it another chance but in the end it’s just not worth it.

I’ve been consuming media that talks about not needing validation from friendships, being content alone. I’m not sure I quite fit into what they’re talking about - I’m not on social media constantly wanting attention, I don’t want validation from my posts being liked or upvoted or whatever. I just want conversation, mutual respect and frankly someone to be interested in me and what I’m up to, if I’m ok etc. A friendship where both parties share stuff with each other and hang out, talk about stuff, share memes etc.

Anyway, I’m trying to work on the “be ok when alone” stuff. It’s not like I’m freaking the fuck out or anything I just want to be comfortable if nobody has spoken to me in a week, instead of feeling lonely.