Stuck?

Lately I’ve been feeling.. I dunno, stuck? I have a lot of things in my life I need to ‘fix’, but I don’t have any motivation to fix them. From simple things like vacuum more frequently to more major things like get a home loan sorted and look for a house to buy, planning for future retirement etc.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to start doing something.. part of it is it feels like it’s too late. I’m already ’too old’ to do xyz. Another part is probably because I have no dependents, and it doesn’t matter to anyone if I don’t do abc by this time and date. So I can fall into a cozy lie down and just push stuff off until later. Until it’s too late.

I’ve tried various methods, like starting small, ‘only do x amount a day’, and sometimes this works but sometimes it doesn’t. Something will happen beyond my control that will interrupt the schedule or routine and then I’d be unable to get back into it. A classic example of this is working out.

There’s some things I really need to do like getting my license sorted out. I wonder how different my life would be if I had a license and a car. What kind of freedom that would be? Or if it would make any difference at all.. whether I’d still be the same kind of person who doesn’t want to leave home for anything.

This domain is up for renewal and I contemplated just letting it lapse. I don’t know why I bother writing this, nobody knows about it or reads it, and if anybody does there’s no way they can comment or respond.

Sometimes (a lot of the time) I just feel like it’d be better if I stopped existing. Just never been born, never existed. Boo hoo woe is me etc, but I make no difference in the world. I don’t help or harm anyone. At work I’m just a cog that ekes out a tiny bit of extra profit, a worker that can be replaced by any number of people. I’m not exceptional in any field, I have no strong relationships with anyone, nothing and nobody depends on me for anything. I get no joy out of existing, no fufillment, just marking time as the tv writers said.

I don’t even know, I’ll just find myself thinking “wouldn’t it be great if I stopped existing” and unprompted envision stuff like grabbing a knife and running it down my arm. I doubt I’d ever have the courage to do anything but it’s probably still not a good sign.

I keep having chest pains, but I learned at a young age that it’s probably just ‘muscularskeletal’ after being reprimanded (not directly, but indirectly) by doctors when I was scared about it. I’ll end up dying due to some untreated or undiagnosed heart condition simply because I ignored it as ‘muscularskeletal’.

I’m just rambling now, I feel like shit, have no real close friends to confide in, and struggling to get myself motivated at work. I suppose I’m lucky enough that I can have days like this and be able to still get by at work without causing too many issues. I just wish what I could do at work was something I’m passionate about. I was so close the last 3-4 years but I never really got there and never really ended up doing what I wanted to.

Sidenote. I’ll tell you what I do these so infrequently I constantly forget about how I have the formatting set up. I have to publish the post and then check the site, then recheck the base file to compare formatting. I forget tags and stuff too!